


The Making of a Connoisseur

by EclipseMidnight (EternalEclipse)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Sex, Sex Toys, aside from the rarepair, maybe? - Freeform, occasional bad lightsaber euphemisms, probably fluff, several levels of crack oh my god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 20:38:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13888707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternalEclipse/pseuds/EclipseMidnight
Summary: It began, as most things do, with a whimper. In this case, with a single implement. Average in most ways, except for its rather fetching purple-colored synthskin cover. The...prank, because that’s what it had to be, continued to escalate, and Obi-Wan slowly grew to accept that purple sex toys were part of his life now. But it did take him some time to get there.I survived Anakin’s apprenticeship,Obi-Wan reminded himself.I will not be defeated by human sex toys.





	The Making of a Connoisseur

**Author's Note:**

  * For [obaewankenope (rexthranduil)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rexthranduil/gifts), [maawi](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=maawi).



> Hoo boy, wasn't this a bit of shenanigans! Inspired by a story from @obaewankenope and @maawi, when they told our groupchat about an incident involving a purple dildo. My only regret is how long it took for me to finish this thing ^^;

“Do you still like the Mar Sinda tea, Master Yaddle?” Obi-Wan asked as he made one of the final turns to get back to his accommodations within the Temple.

“Yes, like it I do,” replied Yaddle. She was walking besides Obi-Wan, but was more than quick enough to make up their height difference; indeed, it was Obi-Wan who found himself needing to widen his gait to keep up.

“It shouldn’t take more than a few minutes to make, Master.” Obi-Wan said. “Just let me--” Obi-Wan swiped himself into the apartment, only to trip and fall flat on his face the moment he stepped into the room. He was out of practice dodging Anakin’s leftover mechanical bits and was also all too comfortable and trusting in the temple environment.

As Yaddle came closer, Obi-Wan was able to discern what he had tripped over. It was a plastoid replica of a human penis dyed in a lavender hue, and it was very, very erect. He felt a blush take over his face despite himself and hid the device with the ends of his robes before Yaddle saw it. 

“Clumsy, Master Obi-Wan, you cannot afford to be,” admonished Yaddle  “Now, make tea, we will.”

Before Obi-Wan could say anything, Yaddle turned and walked briskly towards the kitchenette. Heaving a mental sigh of relief, Obi-Wan pushed the offending implement under the couch. He also got up to go to the kitchen, only to trip again. Cushioning his fall well enough not to attract Yaddle’s attention, Obi-Wan caught sight of another similar sexual implement, half a foot long and deep purple, half-rolled under the table. He kicked that one under the couch as well, took a cursory look around for other devices, and, upon seeing none, walked back to the kitchen.

___________________________________________________________________________

It took two days to fill up the (admittedly small) space underneath the couch. Twenty-four obviously sexual devices, each slightly different from the last and all in various hues and shades of purple, were all it took in the end 

Obi-Wan was sure his sanity had departed from him much sooner than twenty-four. There was just something about waking up curled around a monstrosity of a sex toy as if it were a Kerluftiien plush toy that tested one’s ability to endure. _I survived Anakin’s apprenticeship_ , Obi-Wan reminded himself. _I will not be defeated by human sex toys._

The next one wasn’t human.

It seemed as if it could be used on a human, but the device seemed to have been based on a furrier species, possibly-- _he wasn’t going to think about these any longer than he absolutely needed to to deal with them._

He collected all of the dildos, put them in an old rucksack that wouldn’t be missed, and took a trip down to the Lower Levels. They might be useful if only to trade for more immediately useful things.

____________________________________________________________________________

Obi-Wan had just begun to relax. It was two weeks after he’d gone to the Lower Levels and no one had so much as commented on the trip, let alone insinuated anything about the objects themselves, for all that he often wasn’t alone when they turned up. The information he’d gotten from the pair of brothel-owners he’d sold them to had even proven useful. Obi-Wan was just about ready to put the entire incident behind him.

Closing and locking his door behind him, Obi-Wan headed for the salles. He had agreed to spar with Anakin. It would be just what he needed as well, to forget the entire episode.

On his way, he ran into Mace Windu, who was also headed in that direction, likely in hopes of finding a sparring partner. Few enough were willing to fight against his Vaapad, Obi-Wan knew, but as the Master of the Order Mace had had little hope of keeping himself in practice through missions before the war, and battle wasn’t the same as a good workout. By the time they had reached the changing rooms Obi-Wan had agreed to spar with Mace himself, provided any potential sparring partners would be okay with sparring with Anakin.

Obi-Wan tried to turn his lock a quarter-circle to the left, but could not get the locker to budge. As he attempted to unstick the door with the Force, Mace wandered over to talk to Quinlan Vos, asking him to spar with Anakin. And then he almost had it, and the door opened--and it was no wonder it had jammed. Three dildos fell from above, one clipping him on the cheek, the other on the nose, and a third on his arm. Several others balanced precariously within the locker. Obi-Wan wasn’t sure where his gym clothes had gone, and had stooped down to collect the errant items before he saw the looks on the faces of those around him.

“A preference for green, I always imagined you had,” Yaddle said loudly. “Like your master’s.” Obi-Wan spun around, just in time to see her cut her eyes towards Mace, who seemed to be having a fit of apoplexy. Quinlan didn’t seem to be in a much better state, bent over in half laughing. He didn’t bother to look over at Anakin.

“Oh, for goodness sake,” Obi-Wan said exasperatedly, carefully placing the dildos back inside the locker, and closing it. He turned to the other Jedi. “Would any of you have a spare set of sparring clothing? Mine appears to have gone missing.” He waited fifteen seconds as the others in the room mostly failed to recover themselves. Eyebrow raised, he said evenly “I will return, then, when I have procured the proper clothing.

He never did get around to sparring with Mace that day; the other Master had been gone by the time he returned. He turned around and left himself rather than face Quinlan’s leering. He wondered if it was because the dildos were purple.

___________________________________________________________________________

The next one was, in fact, lime green, and it was very obviously modeled after a Weequay. Obi-Wan found it sitting on his seat when he walked into the Council Chambers two days later. The maker had been fairly generous with the proportions of the monstrous thing, though much was left to be desired about the colour. And the sparkles, which no sex toy needed in his opinion. Obi-Wan grimaced. 'I am not becoming a connoisseur of dildos for the Force's sake! What is wrong with me?’ He thought desperately.

With the ease of practice, Obi-Wan swept the device aside and hid it with careful placement of his robes. None of those who had already gathered in the Council Chambers looked his way, though he was sure that they had seen the phallus. How could they not have? Thankfully, Master Yaddle had yet to arrive. He hadn’t forgotten her last comments.

He shifted subtly and simultaneously slid the implement into an inside pocket of his robe as the Council turned to start the meeting. He was strangely aware of it throughout the entire meeting. It was nerve-wracking in ways he hadn’t felt since his last treaty negotiation before the war. 

He put this one in a drawer instead of under the couch, which had filled up again. He would have to make another trip to the Lower Levels soon. At least unused purple dildos seemed to be a decent trade to some people.

___________________________________________________________________________

He didn’t realize until after his latest trip to the Lower Levels that he had forgotten the Weequay dildo in his drawer. 

Well, he thought. It wasn’t as if he was going to go back for it now. At this rate he’d be going back in another two weeks. It could wait until then.

___________________________________________________________________________

Obi-Wan was almost surprised by the paucity of suddenly-appearing dildos in his life over the next month. There had been one, that first week, and two more in the third, but that had been all. All three were fairly traditional, if not a bit on the small side, and definitely human. It was a step down, but he wasn’t going to complain about the lack of disruption in his life.

By the fourth week Mace was able to look him in the eyes again at a Council meeting, though Quinlan was still cracking jokes whenever he saw him. Obi-Wan would have suspected him of doing it except that he had only been in the temple for four days before being sent out on another mission. A simple one for sure, meant as a vacation, but it wasn’t like they had enough people to fill the gaps to allow for actual vacations. Not during the war, and probably not for the unimagined years after.

He had only a couple weeks more of being temple-bound before Ki-Adi’s latest campaign wrapped up and the other Master would take his place as one of the resident Council members on Coruscant. More or less, anyway, since there were reports of Grievous being in an area where he was the nearest Master. Otherwise, Obi-Wan would have been sent back out already. Perhaps that was why the dildos had stopped; the ever-mysterious sender may have expected him to be back out on the _Negotiator._

His holopad chimed from the table, so Obi-Wan sat his mug down, checked it, and smiled. It was Qui-Gon, from where he was stationed near Alderaan after the latest CIS delegation agreed to speak there. It was likely night there with the time difference, so Qui-Gon would have had to have stayed awake later than usual to speak with him. The thought sparked a warm feeling in his belly, but also a tinge of concern. He knew how bad his old Master was about taking care of himself sometimes.

He picked up the pad and accepted the call. “Hello there.”

“Obi-Wan,” Qui-Gon greeted warmly. “It’s very good to hear your voice.”

“I take it things are going well then,” Obi-Wan teased. 

Qui-Gon grimaced. “It’s like herding tawds together. We’ll be lucky if none of the assassination attempts succeed. But enough about that, how is Coruscant?”

“The Temple is much the same, the same tensions running high with the war, the same arguments again and again. And someone’s playing a prank on me, I think.”

“A prank?”

“Nothing I can’t handle,” Obi-Wan was quick to reassure, blushing. “It’s just a bit strange. 

“Oh, now,” Qui-Gon laughed. “It must be something to make you blush, my dear friend. I haven’t seen you so red in years!”

“If you’re so interested in it, I’ll make sure to send some of them your way. I take it you’re not behind it?” Obi-Wan pursed his lips, willing his face to cool. 

“Not that I know of,” Qui-Gon agreed. “Though only because I don’t know what it is.”

“You’ll see, I promise.” Obi-Wan was already calculating the fee for sending at least three over to Alderaan. It was eminently affordable. He’d even make sure to drop by the Senate on his way back to drop one off for Padme; with his student soon to be leaving, she could probably make use of one.

Qui-Gon laughed again, but his words were intercepted by a yawn. “On that note, I should get some sleep before Senator Zuzurri actually manages to rip the Trade Federation’s representative to shreds because I couldn’t react quickly enough.”

“Then, goodnight, my aging Master.”

“And you as well. Don’t forget to wash behind your ears, my dear Master Kenobi,” Qui-Gon sassed back, before stepping away and disabling his comm. Obi-Wan laughed as the image flickered away, imagining Qui-Gon’s reaction to the dildos.

___________________________________________________________________________

He didn’t realize until he was packing to leave that the green one was still in his dresser drawer, next to a few spare supplies from the last time he’d had to fix his lightsaber. His _actual metal-and-kyber lightsaber, thank you very much._

He looked at the intimidatingly large phallus with a tired eye before shoving it in his bag with the five that had appeared before he’d had to leave. Maybe one of the clones would take it off his hands later.

___________________________________________________________________________

Cody had tracked him down thirty seconds after he’d stepped foot on the Negotiator. Sometimes his second-in-command was terrifying. He was quickly guided back to the main strategy rooms as troopers rushed around them to complete final checks of the ship and their equipment. Suddenly, just a step into the room, Cody stopped. Obi-Wan turned, raising an eyebrow, before following Cody’s gaze.

A pair of dildos, one a deep purple and the other almost neon with its brightness. Their shapes were a fair bit less boring than the few ones that had been showing up lately, he mused, walking up to them. Both were very oversized and modeled after Weequay. The brighter one had a knob at the base; he picked it up and turned it. The toy buzzed quietly in his hands. The color was a bit gaudy, but that seemed plenty functional. He quickly turned it off and opened his bag to shove them in, finding a bottle of a popular lubricant hidden behind the other. _Why was his...unknown benefactor so concerned about safety only now?_

Behind him, Cody still stood stock-still, making some kind of muffled or strangled groaning noise. He turned back to him. “Is everything alright, Commander?” Obi-Wan asked glibly.

“Sir, what was that?” The poor man managed to stutter out eventually.

“A rather oversized imitation of tumescent Weequay bits,” Obi-Wan replied, continuing to be amused. If his benefactor could get a dildo onto the Negotiator, Cody would likely have to deal with seeing it again. It would be best for all of them if they got over the shock now. “Now, as you were saying, about Heron Legion?”

“Uhh, yes sir, if you’ll come over here…” Cody gestured at a display across the room from where the dildos had stood. He pressed a button, and the display went up, showing a small version of their ship. A drawer also opened. Obi-Wan went to close it, before noticing the contents. He pulled out a dark purple mass of sex toy, what upon closer display was a fleshlight wrapped around a thin, straight vibrator. Obi-Wan furrowed his eyebrows as Cody returned to making inarticulate noises beside him. The fleshlight was a first. It went in the bag with the others before he returned to the display, coughing to get Cody’s attention. If he was lucky, there would be no more similar surprises that day.

And he’d almost managed it: He had made it all the way back to his bunk late that night before coming across another dildo. There were five, arranged in size order on top of his bed. At that point he was alone, so he reacted the only way he could: hysterical laughter. He did make sure to store them all properly in his drawer with the ones from earlier before tottering into bed. They could be dealt with another day. Given to the troopers, he thought hazily.

Though he might keep the lubricant. It was a rather good brand. He fell asleep, wondering who had had access to his room before he’d gotten there.

___________________________________________________________________________

Five weeks later, he walked out of a swampland an into an ambush. “Hondo,” Obi-Wan frowned. “I hadn’t thought there was any gold in this sector for you to chase.”

“Ah, but there is business! And business is booming for the Ohnaka empire today!” Hondo gestured expansively. “But nothing that would concern a Jedi, I’m sure.” Hondo grinned, clapping a hand on his shoulder. “Unless this Jedi would like to join me for a drink back on my ship?”

“I’m _working,_ Hondo.” Obi-Wan shoved the hand off his shoulder.

“Then where are your clone friends?” Hondo asked.

Obi-Wan closed his eyes for a moment. “They have left the planet by now, I’m sure.”

“Ah, well, I’m sure we could reunite you with them!” 

“For a price,” added Obi-Wan.

“Of course!” Hondo said cheerily. “I’m a businessman after all. Now, come, come. The Republic has lost this planet, but they don’t have to lose its Jedi General as well.” He put a hand on Obi-Wan’s shoulder again, and Obi-Wan let himself be guided to the waiting landspeeder.

He thought he felt Hondo’s hand grip his thigh as he climbed onto the speeder, but the touch was fleeting. It took only the barest instant to convince himself it hadn’t happened.

Hondo was _definitely_ feeling him up as he got off the speeder, but Obi-Wan wasn’t in a place to deal with that particular revelation just then. He just followed the bouncing Weequay back to his ship, putting his hood up to keep the local populace from realizing that he was a Jedi. It certainly wouldn’t be pleasant to be burned at the stake--and hadn’t that new tradition been a surprise when they’d come down to the apparently neutral planet, only to find that the Separatists had long since beaten them there. 

He was shown to a small room, where the door was locked behind him as the ship buzzed with Weequays preparing it for takeoff. He sat on the bed in a meditation pose, thinking that that was the best rest he would get while in potentially enemy territory--he would not forget how it had been when Hondo had taken them prisoner--before his back popped painfully. He was limber and fit, but the last week had taken its toll on him. He grabbed for the pillow to use to prop himself up. 

Under where the pillow had rested was a bright purple dildo. It looked floppy, as if it were a gelatin confection rather than a sex toy, and the more unappealing for it. He poked it with the Force, and it wobbled strongly. He shuddered, picked it up with the edge of the sheet, and deposited it into a random empty drawer in the middle of the nightstand. It carried a bit of lint with it, and he spent the next few minutes trying to fall into a meditative state to purge it from his mind.

Was _Hondo_ his mysterious benefactor?

He must be, Obi-Wan decided. No one else would have been able to slip him another purple dildo here. He had just made up his mind to ask for how he had gotten them into the Temple proper when Hondo reappeared.

“My friend,” he grinned. “Your clones were very grateful to see proof of your health! They were not as good at negotiating a price, but, ah, I reminded them that they had an expert Negotiator right here!”

“Well then,” Obi-Wan opened his eyes to meet Hondo’s, but kept his meditative position. “I certainly didn’t see any illegal transport of any extremely precious metals that may have gone missing regularly near this sector, and you haven’t seen me here?”

“A good start, my friend!” Hondo approached him, leaning into his space. Obi-Wan force himself not to flinch. “But perhaps you would owe me a favor as well? For not only rescuing you, but not telling anyone where you’ve been? I had to cut my last job short for you, you know.” 

“Very well,” Obi-Wan replied, knowing it was likely the best he would get. “Provided you can explain--this.” He opened the drawer containing the offensively jiggly dildo.

“Is that one is not up to your standards, Master Jedi? I’m sure we can find another for you to amuse yourself with.” Hondo batted his eyelashes. Before Obi-Wan could think of an appropriate response, Hondo opened the top drawer of the nightstand, revealing another purple Weequay dildo, this one a slight bit smaller than the last ones he’d sent, to Obi-Wan’s grudgingly discerning eye. There was also a slightly ribbed vibrator and a bottle of lubricant.

Hondo’s voice broke into his thoughts. “Of course, these are best experienced with an attentive partner, Master Kenobi, as I’m not sure you’ve experienced.” There was a gleam in his eye that Obi-Wan recognized, mischief and something else. Something that had made him get actually drunk that night instead of just pretending, and something that had led him to get on that speeder despite his reservations. The blasters hadn’t even been pointed his way, and he was no blushing padawan to forget his lightsaber.

And he hadn’t forgotten his lightsaber--Cody would have it, he was sure.

In the meanwhile, it looked like he was going to be borrowing Hondo’s. “Are they?” He murmured, looking up at the Weequay with a sultry smile. May as well, he thought. When he put a hand on his thigh, this time he didn’t move away. Though Obi-Wan was much obliged by the fact that Hondo reached for the lubricant before either of the toys, even if he put it inside his shirt pocket.

“Though they are best experienced if both are willing, hmm?”

“I do not believe that will be a problem,” Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows and leaned against the wall as Hondo leaned further into his space, stepping between his legs. There was a moment of rather intense eye contact before Hondo moved to press his mouth against Obi-Wan’s.

Hondo’s lips were dry and cool, a mix of his species’s adaptations and time spent in space, but the actual kiss was almost as wet as any Obi-Wan had shared with another human. He broke off for moment to breathe before returning again, bringing a hand up to touch the spikes on the side of Hondo’s face.

Hondo’s hands were busy as well, tracing Obi-Wan’s side in a way that made him shudder and finding where his tunics were held together before unknotting them. Obi-Wan made a breathy noise as Hondo’s hand traced skin, the soft touch creating a burst of heat that swept through him. Most Jedi were somewhat touch-starved, but touch didn’t usually feel like _that_. He scrabbled against the wall for a moment, accidentally pressing on a small bit that went in. When he released it, it pushed out a small drawer.

It took Obi-Wan a moment to realize what he was looking at. A half dozen purple dildos in various sizes and shapes. He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or be offended that one of them seemed similar to the bouncy disaster of a lint-catcher he had found earlier under the pillow. He did draw back to look at Hondo questioningly.

Hondo laughed at his expression. “You may take those with you as well, unless you prefer to wait and see where they will be hidden!”

Obi-Wan sighed and closed the drawer. “Not the glob.”

“As you wish!” Hondo replied. He considered his options before reaching for the vibrator in the nightstand. He held it up so that Obi-Wan could see, and waited until Obi-Wan nodded to turn it on its lowest setting.

He held it just over the skin of Obi-Wan’s side, where he had first garnered such a strong reaction, watching as Obi-Wan breathed, before tracing it lightly over his skin. He followed it with his fingers, and noted that the latter usually got a stronger reaction. Obi-Wan’s nipples weren’t overly sensitive, but drawing the lightly buzzing thing down his chest and belly got the beginnings of a reaction. He rested it gently on the perineum to get a more pronounced reaction--Obi-Wan nearly jackknifed off the bed--before drawing it up and down his cock until it was weeping. Deeming his partner sufficiently aroused, he turned off the vibrator and put it to the side on the bed--drawing a small whimper from the human under him. 

Only then did he take the lubricant out from his shirt pocket, squirting some onto his fingers and rubbing them together. Obi-Wan took the brief reprieve as an opportunity to divest Hondo of some of his layers, reaching for buttons that had been out of reach earlier. Hondo helped a bit as he could, until he was nearly naked himself.

“That was surprisingly gentle,” Obi-Wan commented, pushing his undershirt aside.

“There are none who would claim that I was a selfish lover, my friend,” Hondo replied, eyeing the remaining toy before taking out a condom instead and closing the drawer with his hip. “The bedroom is one place where greed gets you nothing. Unless you’d prefer the cockpit next time?” Obi-Wan must have made a face because Hondo laughed. “Time to get to the main event, I would think?”

Obi-Wan huffed a laugh, rearranging himself to make that more comfortable. “I would say so.”

One finger was easy enough; two required a little bit of finagling, but wasn’t overly difficult. Deciding whether three was a good idea had to wait a minute for them to finish kissing long enough to ask. Some more lube was a _definitely_ good idea, and so was the third finger, as Obi-Wan soon figured out.

Some more lube was also a good idea, they both discovered, when Hondo tried to use the vibrator to help get Obi-Wan off. It worked in the end, rather well, as Hondo learned where Obi-Wan was sensitive, and what would make him lose his carefully cultivated calm with a gleam of mischief. When Obi-Wan finally came, he nearly took Hondo with him, but Hondo managed to hold on. 

The look on Obi-Wan’s face when Hondo worked himself against Obi-Wan’s oversensitive insides was well worth the short wait, in his opinion.

Obi-Wan cleaned himself as best as he could before dressing, in contrast to Hondo, who only wiped his hands and cock on the sheets to rid himself of the worst of the evidence before dressing. The condom had helped, Obi-Wan admitted, but it wasn’t everything.

The next day, the Admiral and Hondo had come to an agreement to return Obi-Wan home to the Negotiator, with the exchange taking place on a moon a few scant hours away. They set course immediately, and Obi-Wan used the time to reflect on the fact that he and Hondo had actually had sex. 

Just before Hondo set himself up to follow Obi-Wan down the ship’s ramp, he drew close to murmur in his ear. “I saw that you were missing your lightsaber, my friend, so I have taken the liberty of procuring you one! No need to thank the Great Hondo Ohnaka for this one! Though you might not want to use it around your overprotective bodyguards, hmm?” He squeezed Obi-Wan’s ass through his trousers as he spoke, and Obi-Wan fought not to make any noises.

A box was slipped into a inner pocket in the back of his robes just as the ramp went down.

“General!” Cody called from across the way, lightsaber in hand. Obi-Wan smiled and made his way over to him as quickly as possible.

When he’d gotten back to his bunk, finally, having avoided both the med center and the briefing room, he checked Hondo’s gift. It was the purple vibrator the Weequay had used on him, with another bottle of lubricant inside. Obi-Wan fell to the floor, helplessly laughing.

It was even a quality piece, and, despite himself, he made sure to keep both the toy and the lube within reach of his bunk. He was sure to make use of it in the spirit it was intended. Maybe he’d even try one of the Weequay cocks Hondo had sent some day soon, just to see how they measured up.

___________________________________________________________________________

Two weeks later, he learns that it doesn’t quite, and wonders if Hondo appreciated the visual. He’d still been walking funny for a few hours, earning him a few looks from some of the more adventurous clones. 

Luckily for him, they were easily bribed with some of his excess dildos. He made sure they knew to use lubricant as well, and sent them on their ways.  



End file.
